Project: Smile Again

In 2012, I woke up with a ball on the side of my face. Unbelievably, I dismissed as swelling. The next day, my family saw the ball on the side of my face and said that I needed to see a dentist. The dental appointment was scheduled for Monday morning and this was on a Friday.

Over the weekend, things got worse. When I went to the Dentist on Monday morning, he said that it was the worst abscess that he had seen in 45 years of dentistry. I was sent immediately to the emergency room and then to a hospital where life saving surgery was performed the next day. They removed twelve teeth out of my mouth and due to a followup abscess, they had to remove two more in the months after that.  There were also drains put in my neck and my jaw was shaved… but I lived.

Work did not provide any funding for me during this time other than vacation time and I was pressured to back before any disability kicked in. Later that same year, I had abdominal pains which made me unable to work. Due a poor insurance set up, I wound up missing months of work and had a surgery the following Januray. At this point, the disability determined that I should have been working all along. Work then stated that the only way I would still have a job would be to sign a document saying that my leave was never medical. Once they had that document signed, I was left without anything for the time off. Many people helped me and my family get through but I was eventually evicted and only with the assistance of wonderful people was I able to get a new place and  a new job albeit out of state.

Of course, once the teeth were actually out, the surgery people considered their work to be done. This year, I decided to see if I could do something about actually getting dentures so that I could smile again. That was delayed a bit because I slipped on ice outside of my new job and broke my leg in three places. I broke my ankle in two. I dislocated my ankle and I suffered a concussion. Again, I was out of work nearly a month and spent a good month after I came back to work hobbling on a walked and one leg in a boot.

But, I remained undeterred. My leg was eventually pronounced to be fully healed and I scheduled a dental appointment. I had to cancel the dental appointment twice due to car failure. When I finally did have the dental appointment this week, my car’s battery died while I was in there in downtown Baltimore. Roadside assistance actually left because they did not think it was a battery and a friend came to bail us out.

The dentist said that they would need to extract two teeth, and fix two more, and do an additional procedure for my mouth to be ready for the dentures… which my insurance did not cover. After four years of scraping together to get back on my feet and get some semblence of well enough to do this, I would like to actually be able too.

I applied for credit in order to do it even from “non-traditional” sources like Lending Club and CareCredit. I found that their ‘nos’ after my understandably damaged credit  sounded a lot like traditional banks and lending companies.  The amount represents what is necessary to get my mouth fixed so that I can smile in public and show teeth and don’t have to be constantly embarassed. People have been so consistently good to me that I naturally have a large amount of guilt for asking or even bringing anything. I have been given more in this life than I can ever even begin to hope to repay. But, you never know until you try.

The worst anyone can do is ignore or say no or think “Well, they always seem to be begging.” Its just been a hard road and for once I would just like something repaired by my own decision that I want rather than have repaired because my life is legitimately threatened or I have trouble standing without it. Even if the answer comes back as nothing, then at the very least I know I have exhausted the possibility.

All love and God Bless or whatever higher power or good natural human impulse you happen to believe in. I should have my mouth ready in  a couple months which will give me a better idea of whether I can proceed with the actual goal

Help spread the word!

There are a couple three ways to donate if you would like.

There is the GoFundMe Page:

https://www.gofundme.com/2pqgsvvg

 You can donate through PayPal

Or you can message privately for my home address. Thanks to everyone for even stopping to consider.

So Anyway I wrote A Book

http://www.lulu.com/shop/sherry-starr-ciscell/no-one-is-going-to-pay-for-my-vagina-and-other-true-stories/paperback/product-22442807.html

Results of Today’s Make Up Session

I visited a good friend today and she showed me how to get properly made up as well as gave me some wonderful new clothes. Her entire family was very supportive. It was just kind of a magical type afternoon. It was one of the first times I have really presented myself in a social situation that did not involve my own family. So here are the results….

All The People You Come Out To As Trans

I got a message on my Facebook the other day addressing me by the name that I am really trying to get away from. This would be on the Facebook where I identify as female. It was someone from high school. I figured “Hey, if you figured it out, then I am not one to deny you.”

The thing is that I actually wrote an entire note on that other Facebook about a year ago saying exactly what was happening… and it got kind of funny to me about this whole process of “coming out” as trans. Because, it is not just one magical event in which you make a prepared statement in front of some press. There is almost a daily process with everyone you know and then even when you have told them… it is like “you know you could turn back or change your mind at any point and we will pretend like it never ever happened.”

That is because most of them probably already ARE pretending like it never ever happened. I wrote my mother an email about three years ago explaining. She offered to help with counseling though to this day I have no idea if the intent of that was to help me get to where I needed to go or stop it altogether. Could not tell you. Don’t get me wrong. It helped. She had never ever mentioned it ever ever again. Somewhere, you would think that she would know… however… In order to thoroughly beat it into her head… there is a good day that I would have to wake up every morning and tell her and call her every night to inform her that nothing as far as that goes changes. I would assume my brother has no clue and that she has mentioned it to other people even less than the never she mentions it to me.

I told my family. I told my Facebook. Due to some issues, I still don’t really live full time even at home. But, since I am not telling everyone every day twice a day..it seems to just revert back to non knowledge. Eventually, I will have to have special little soul searching conversations with the Department of Motor Vehicles, The Social Security Administration, some sort of court to get my name legally changed, and find a workplace who would be accepting of it. I could do all of that and then there are some people who have not heard or consider it to be a maybe. It feels like I could become something of a Jehovah’s Witness for my own trans experience knocking from door to door across America saying “Could you take a few minutes to consider how I am intending to become a woman?”

Then, you get things like “I am Cait” where if you are rich enough you can have an entourage, handlers, and make up people at your disposal twenty four seven and then still get mocked as internet meme by the unbelieving. Ultimately, you know what the average person sort of understands… surgery. Then even then I would imagine some one would probably make some sort of last ditch effort to talk me out of it. After I talked about it on Facebook last year, there was honestly a woman as two different therapists said that I really did have a Gender Identity Disorder who tried to put me in touch with her presumably religious therapist who could “help.” Really, a third opinion and maybe you would be satisfied.

So all legalities aside, the only person that you really need to come out too stands in the mirror, because no matter what you do… or how official it is or how many people you tell… some are just going to try and put you right back in. Remember, Only worry about those with the power to stop you, and no matter what the only person that can do that is you.

The Building of Female Relationships

One of the interesting things about going through this type of transitional time and process in my life is that there is like a checklist of women who women need in their life or at at least I seem too. It is almost like there are women who acknowledge this and seem to be stepping up to fill these roles in my life that I did not even know I needed. But almost instinctively, this web grows around you.

The mother of my children and my former wife will always be my best friend. We still live together and I have no problem living with her throughout my dying days. I make her laugh which is a good thing with some of the depression issues that she goes through and we just have this bond. However, she is not really a big fan of make up or going out or anything like that. So, I have another friend in the Baltimore area who cannot wait to help me make up (apparently her teenage kids and pre teens are tired of her doing them up and experimenting on them.) She is going through a divorce at the moment and needs a woman to talk too and hang out with. I need help with dressing and looking as best as I can.

There is another woman in Minnesota who never had a sister and always wanted one. Your friends are not always sisters or sisterly types and that is a good thing. She is the one who is primarily concerned with safety and emotional well being and just making sure that I am protected. I have known her since college but the relationship is just developing in new ways.

Then there are people who were seemingly peripheal to my old life or just essentially knew me as a friend of their husband who all of the sudden after this revelation I am talking to nearly every night. They give tips and talk about clothes and my experiences. Its just like they know that there are people that I have to have in my life and they are like “OOohh me, I need to be THAT person!”

It is just the best feeling in the world.

Facebook

Feel free to friend me on Facebook at

https://www.facebook.com/sherrystarryeyes

But not everyone on there knows or may not know that I am in a transitional state. So, yeah.. But please, feel free to friend. I would love to get to know some of the people that have been following this blog.

What Do Expect From a Public Internet Forum?

Every now and again, I will read one of the public forums available on various locations about transgender or transgendered life. Invariably, someone is going to ask how they can get hormone replacement therapy or surgery without the stipulation of counseling or psychologists first. They will also ask if anyone knows anyone that can help them (preferably in their area.) Internet forums are generally the guardians of the process and the people that are generally on them have been through the process. So, they are treated like the newbies that they are and told that they need counseling and rec letters and they should never take anything without being explicitly prescribed by a medical doctor. Which is all fine and well and the person generally ends the predicted beat down by saying that they will contact someone in their area.

It reminds me of when I was doing tech support and someone would post a legitimate problem with internet explorer or America Online that was an actual error message. Eventually, you would get to some attempts at trouble shooting but you would first get to wade through a lot of unneeded outright snarkiness like “Well, to fix problems with internet explorer, they created Mozilla Firefox /Gooogle Chrome/ etc…download that.” Yeah, thanks genius.. you have done nothing. There is always a point in the newbie conversation where they say that they don’t have any cash for counseling. Again, the people who troll these things have generally been through it and honestly probably had the cash to do it. Some people are in good enough places in their lives where they don’t understand poverty. My Dad went to a bank to get a loan if he needed it or used credit. Well, thats all fine and good but some of us have credit ratings so trashed that they will never come back. Insurance is also a problem if you don’t happen to have a job or even if you do… then sometimes it is not covered anyway and you are right back to square one.

 

I worked for a company that did health savings and flexible spending accounts. They may help you with counseling and drugs. Some of them may even help you with the actual gender reassignment surgery with rec letters. But breast enhancement or facial feminization and you are probably on your own. Of course, someone had a success story on Go Fund Me where everyone shared it and there was money that came in. This is probably because they were simply an early case and it got passed around. Now, that it really worked once.. there are probably thousands out their with Go Fund Me accounts not getting anything on it. The trouble with Go Fund Me as well as is that the entire business model is predicated on you sharing it one Facebook, Twitter and other social media. In short, it does not work that well when you have not or are scared to tell the entire world your situation especially when you are just starting out.

 

There is also the truth of the matter that there are places where you can get something like hormone replacement therapy with just signing a waiver stating that you know the risks and the side effects and you will not be able to sue. Last I checked, I think that the Planned Parenthood in Denver has a system like that. There was also a urologist in the Philadelphia which for years performed no questions asked castrations as long as you could afford to pay for it. Unfortunately, he has passed on and I don’t know of another example… but it has happened in the past. The whole psychological evaluation as gatekeepers to the process goes back to when it was all initially set up and badly needs to be over hauled. Basically, you have to be diagnosed with a Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Dysphoria in order to get treatment. It is the only time in your life in which you will be happy to be branded with a psychological disorder. You also have to research the therapist beforehand. I have personally been diagnosed twice by two separate therapists (because the second one did not get in contact with the first one) and I was told by someone on Facebook that they knew a doctor that I should talk to. Turns out, that particular doctor was a Christian therapist that mostly wanted to turn people away from their choices in this matter.

 

Therapy is not necessarily a bad thing at all. I know of one case where I sincerely wish that the individual had listened to one of their therapists which told them that they were a crossdresser who liked to sexually dominate women and not necessarily a transgendered female. If you get sexual excitement and an erection by wearing a French maid’s outfit before you tie up a woman… then more than likely you do not actually want testosterone blockers and an orchiectomy (castration.) At that point, you are kind of defeating the purpose. That did not stop them. I also read a blog post about someone who went through the entire process and was pissed afterwards that no one told them “Hey… wait stop… this is not you.” It is a big decision and a big investment of time, money, and emotions, I am not going to lie about that. I am also not going to lie about the fact that you can go to Gender Therapist Dot Com and pretty much just buy a rec letter. There is also the fact that in the United States it generally requires more than one therapist agreeing with another (two rec letters) to get any type of genital surgery. Best case scenario on that is that you get one doctor to go to their supervisor who says “Yep, I agree completely with the diagnosis.”

 

Of course, that it is in the United States. You can go overseas with as little as one rec letter and get a surgery. The main trouble with that is that the US has a bit of trouble changing things over as far as legalities if the surgery was not performed inside the United States. But, in theory, you can go online to Gender Therapist dot com and get a rec letter for HRT and then go online and get a rec letter for surgery, have the surgery in Thailand at a place like Suporn for a reduced rate and then take your chances in dealing with the motor vehicle association and social security administration or having your birth certificate amended. I am just saying that it can be done. However, the forums will tell you that you need to have the safest and most proper way of doing things. Which, given a choice, everyone would want to have the safest and most proper way of doing things. They would also want to start as early as possible.

 

For instance, the best time in order to start HRT is actually before you really get into puberty (about 12 or 13). Personally, that would have been a dream. It would block the testosterone before it really takes hold and would allow you to go through puberty as your chosen gender. Of course, you would need parents or guardians that were nurturing and supportive enough to and that you were comfortable enough with to talk to about it. They would then have to commit their own financial resources into making this a reality for you. You would also need to be in a school environment which was accepting enough for this not all to be traumatic. The sad fact of life, particularly in mine, is that none of that happened and we are talking about years of confusion. So, the effects of HRT actually lessen greatly the older that you get almost requiring some sort of surgery. I am forty. I started hormones when I was 39. The chances of my body feminizing as opposed to someone in their teens or twenties are not even close. So basically, I have to rely on slow steady changes, not getting discouraged, and how the hormones actually make me feel as opposed to what they are actually doing for me. Which is another thing that you only find when you go a bit deeper into the forums.

What I am trying to say ladies and gentlemen is that you have options. Hell, I have even heard of cases of people writing their own rec letters and somehow getting away with it. Options only generally come up by building relationships with people on a one on one basis. What I do with the forums and such is generally sift through to find sympathetic or slightly different responses and then contact that person directly. I have also heard of cases of urologist and such doing things for their patients that have a trust and patience built up with. The point, and I am circling around to it, is not to think that there is one set way on doing this. There is a preferred established way, but there are other options as well.

 

God bless

Sherri

You Never Stopped Visiting

Before yesterday, I had not updated this blog in over a year. That did not actually stop a steady stream of people from clicking on, visiting, or looking at the 99 posts that I had put up in the last year. Recently, I gave the blog to a couple of people as more of a “Here…read this..” type of thing. That actually made me log onto it again and be like “Wow, they kept right on coming without new material.” In that for your support, I am truly thankful and awestruck.

When I last left you back in May of 2014, I had some pictures that I was really not all that sure about posting on here because I was self conscious of them. I was like “Would anyone really see this as a girl/woman?’ and they were left unposted. As you can see, I have really kind of overcome that fear at the very least. I have been taking some form of hormones for the last about year and a half. Yesterday, I walked out fully made up and just walked outside mostly unafraid of any reaction. Of course, it was just around a backyard but it was a beautiful day outside. It made me feel good and not at all self conscious.

I have recently moved again and I feel that this move is one that really puts me in contact with a supportive community. I have a happier, brighter, and sunnier outlook on life. I want that to be known. I believe that the transition is not only taking place but that there are other people who are now emotionally invested and want it too take place. I have largely at least internally worked out a lot of the issues that brought me to this place in my life.

A little while back, I had something of an incident that bears a little bit of repeating. I had a dream. For a long time, I knew that I was bullied by girls in junior high. I remembered a lot of specific incidents but I could never really ffigure out why it was all happening. Some dreams are sent to you as visions from above in my opinion. At any rate, I had a dream where I as an adult was standing ghost like unseen watching many of the events. And I remembered… why it happened and why I could never tell people. I could not relate to boys when I was that age and was essentially trying to join social circles that girls were. I did not want to date them. I was not romantically interested in them. When they sort of picked up on this, they kind of bullied me like any other girl that they would reject. I went home crying every weekend. All I could say was that they were mean to me.

 

If it had been a girl that it happened to, then every one would be able to see the problem. Since it was a boy and I had no ability to talk about being transgendered, then it was a head scratcher for everyone. Somehow, I was given this like the people that put their head in a pool in Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. I finally understood and if not all the way was able to forgive at least now I know why it happened. When I tell people that I went to school with now, it is like “You know, so much more of you makes sense now..” It does to me as well.

 

I am a lot less afraid now. I have found that I can come out to individual people and have a reasonable conversation with them which is a lot better than some blanket statement and just let sharks have a feeding frenzy. Another factor in my absence was that I literally did not have a computer or a working phone for about six months. I had access to the internet through wi fi on my old phone but I did not have service. That has been corrected now. My main issue at the moment is that I need to find a job. Other than that, I am actually a pretty happy girl.

 

Sherri

 

Anyway pictures.

I Have To Start Doing This More

Its like I keep wanting to get back to this, but it is always like “It has been so long, do they even care anymore?” Then it is like it has been so long, do they even remember. Well, I guess there is nothing really like just going ahead and diving right in. I had a lot of good reasons for dropping off for a while. Last year, I was evicted from my apartment after I had been sick for several months and the company that I was working for refused to pay me. I had been in counseling all of last year for my gender issues and got all the way up to blood testing for hrt and lost my job and the place. I had to relocate to a different state with my family and then find a new job. I actually had a few temporary jobs before getting a permanent one. Then I had to wait three months for insurance benefits. I was working for an outsourced company and was hired by the internal company which meant I had to change insurances again. Delays… delays… delays. I don’t mind telling you that it was very nearly all a suicidal situation. Finally, everything got settled down and I was finally was able to start the hormones. That was in February and I have been on them for three months now.

There is the added benefit that everyone in my house hold (including the 12 year old) now calls me Sherry. I don’t full dress out in front of them all the time yet. I am kind of letting everything go natural. My wife’s boyfriend has moved in with us (which is not actually as weird as it may sound) and his work has been a Godsend for the bills. I think that the girls need a strong male influence in their lives and that is simply not me. Surprise.. surprise I guess. The outside world knows very little about my situation but for now I think that is a good thing.

For you girls wondering about how the hormones affect you, I can only really speak from my own experience. Don’t expect miracles, just keep with the process. I have noticed things significantly shrink more than I have noticed anything growing. I am happy that the nipples seem to be flattening out and growing. If you poke them, they are actually tender. Facial hair still grows but it is down pretty dramatically. The main changes have been mental. My brain makes different connections than it used to. It is a different way of thinking. I am not entirely sure that it is better but it is definitely different. I can see a change in my cheeks on my face and if you pay attention, my butt is starting to round out. It is a little different on the backside in that I can grab at it a bit more than I used too. Again, there are no miracles. Set a routine and trust that results will come. I take a lot more pictures of myself these days and if I look back, then I can tell differences. It is a lot like exercising. You have to really forget about results and just concentrate on doing it every day.

I am 39 this year. I have a few things to do this year as far as meeting family and old college friends. I have a couple of trips planned. Very soon, I plan on just being full time at home. I gave it some time to adjust to the new person being in the house and then we can adjust fully to me. After about a year or so of the HRT I hope to be out everywhere by my 40th birthday. The older child is turning 18 in a couple week and she will graduate high school next year. We may move again this summer. As weird as it all sounds, I am just focused on everything going as …natural… as possible… but it is going.