You never want to have a day at work like I had today. The odd part is that there was a lot of ups and downs to it. The actual work today was not all that bad. It was just that there was an email in the queue from the site director. To keep in line with the over all theme, a man I will call ‘Brooks’ passed away suddenly. There are actually times when news like this does not bother you on anything more than a “Its just sad to see a human life gone level.” ‘Brooks’ was a bit different and bit more. The email said that he had been working there for a long time. That did not really tell the story.
‘Brooks’ had been there long enough to be able to choose his own schedule regardless of what schedules were being offered. For those keeping track at home, that is over ten years. ‘ Brooks’ was almost an old world character and a gentleman. He had slicked back greasy hair and a big bushy beard. He wore rainbow suspenders and a belt. For the record, ‘Brooks’ was a huge mass of a man. He was getting on up in years and walked with a cane. The cane kind of added to the overall effect.
‘Brooks’ was on my team last year. He sat a couple rows behind me. He always had a booming voice and very infectious laugh. He wore glasses that could more accurately be called spectacles. The last time I really talked to ‘Brooks’ was earlier this year. We were both in an advanced troubleshooting course together. There was another older black woman in that training who walked with a cane as well. On the last day of training, we all pooled our food on a training table and the three of us talked and had a good time. ‘Brooks’ took forever to walk. I walked with him out of the building. The journey seemed almost impossibly slow and he gabbed the whole way. ‘Brooks’ was one of the people who you just felt better about your self after you spent time with him. He was always entertaining and part of you felt like you were in line for a merit badge.
The older black woman never forgot that I was hungry. Every day after that, she would pass by my pod and give me leftovers from her meal. When she did not have leftovers, she would just give me money. One day she stopped stopping by. I heard she lost her job. Honestly, with all of her medical conditions, I was glad that she was not dead. Unfortunately, ‘Brooks’ has now passed on. I read the email over and over. It talked of his devotion to the company. It talked of how he will be missed. I read the attachment on dealing with grief. The attachment cleared up a lot of things for me. It said that in grief it was important to maintain a routine and not make to many changes.
‘Brooks’ is now not only an inspiration but some one who reminds me of fictional characters. I think of Brooks from the Shawshank Redemption who had become institutionalized by the jail. I think of the old horse in Animal Farm. He was a good worker. He gave everything he had to the company. He will be remembered fondly by all who knew him in the company that he would never leave. There was a quiet dignity to ‘Brooks’ that you had to admire. I loved the guy. I respect him and I will miss the hell out of him. His dignity is not a dignity I want. It is a dignity that I think we need more of. He found his company and stayed with them through thick and fine. He was a fine man.
I think a lot about The Shawshank Redemption. For the first real time the most trendy phrase in that movie has hit me square in the face. It took ‘Brooks’ passing to do it for me.
‘Get busy living or get busy dyin’.
One of the few other trans I knew well in person used to say it all the time. Somehow, coming from them, it just seemed really selfish. Of course, I think that they missed the point of much of movie other than that you can really have everything that you want. They lacked a lot of patience. We all have our failings. They had not earned ‘get busy living, or get busy dying.’ It was not written anywhere in the building but it was everywhere that I looked today,
‘Brooks was here.’
Part of me wanted my legacy to be that I walked away one day. So that the writing underneath it would read ‘so was Red.’ I’m going to miss ‘Brooks,’ but I am always going to keep the things that his life and eath taught me. I am starting to think that it really does not make sense to live any other way than simply the only way that makes sense to you.
It is perhaps poignant that my team at work celebrated a pot luck today. One of our members is moving on to a different job in the company. There was a ton of food. There was a great cake. It was all really sweet. I did not know where to go with my emotions. I was happy for the woman moving on. She had gotten together with our manager after tell our manager that she wanted to leave. They found a plan and a place in the company for her. I saw the lesson in that one as well. I started to think that one day they might even find a place in the company for the real me. I just have to put my numbers in line before I can feel comfortable asking.
Today, I saw an ending.
Today, I saw a beginning.
Today, I got a hint of the bread crumbs on the path. I had to find a place during my lunch break where no one would see me to cry.
‘Get busy living or get busy dying.’
I think I am starting to get it now.
Till tomorrow.
Becoming Sherry 